i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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