I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
