There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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