it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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