god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Pooping to opera.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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