There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
