Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
