the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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