Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
