My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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