every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
