I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
