is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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