Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
