When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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