my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
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I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
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He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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