The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
