birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
