quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
