You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
