So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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