70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
