but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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