My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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