Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
