2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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