1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
