I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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