new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
