Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
