everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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