420 ftw
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
