Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
