i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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