I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
