shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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