I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
