she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
