wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
