Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
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I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
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I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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