Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
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i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
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You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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