you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.