Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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