I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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