If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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