I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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