yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I've blown a few things in my day
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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