We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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