I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
