i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
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If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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