She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
