I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
