I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
