I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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