i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
