I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
