in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
